


Distant Millions

by Soak



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: DarkSparks, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Renee has a motorcycle, Sad with a Happy Ending, Tenderness, confessions if you squint, wattson wraith mirage squad family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25712719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soak/pseuds/Soak
Summary: One malfunction, one slip, and the whole squad goes down. For Natalie, it feels like the final straw, like the last people she could count on were ready to give up on her. Renee tries to prove her wrong.
Relationships: Wattson | Natalie Paquette/Wraith | Renee Blasey
Comments: 10
Kudos: 90





	Distant Millions

Stretching, groaning, heads hung, the squad stumbled out of the shuttle. Not any shuttle either, the first one of the night. They all had made a beeline from the spawn bays and out of King's Canyon. The ride back had been silent. Low finishes were normal. A twentieth place was… an embarrassment, especially for a squad of legends.

Renee slung her bag over her shoulder, trying not to let her boots scuff along the pavement. Natalie was yards ahead of them, having said not a single word in hours. Elliott walked up beside their scout, running a hand through his hair.

"You should go talk to her," he said. Renee sent him a questioning look. "She's pretty bummed out."

The lights of Solace City stretched out before them as they made their way down from the landing complex. Sirens echoed in the distance, wailing and sonorous. It felt like booing. "I thought talking to people was your thing," she muttered, half into her scarf.

"Hah, usually. I tried." Even his expression fell glum. "But... flubbing a drop like that, taking one very competitive teammate with you?" Elliott grimaced, sucking in a breath. "That's gotta hurt."

"It happens."

"Sure, we both know that, since we've been doing this for way longer. Not her—poor girl  probably thinks you hate her."

"She'll be fine." Renee sighed. "I'm not mad at her."

"Well, yeah. It'd be nice of you to  let her know that , though." He paused.  Renee thought she felt one of those terrible grins of his coming on, where he'd tease her and imply things and she'd punch him . Elliott leaned closer.

None came. Instead, he risked a hand on her shoulder, and started his words  slowly : "All I'm saying is, she could use a friend. After learning about the Doc, she's been pretty..." he watched Natalie walk in the distance, her posture broken and her jacket balled up under one arm. Elliott winced and pulled back. "Not great."

She said nothing to that,  merely following his gaze. It was true; Natalie's cheery demeanor was nowhere to  be seen recently. She showed up to training exhausted more often than not. As much as Renee hated to admit it, Elliott was right. The engineer needed as many positive faces around as possible.

Positive was  maybe pushing it for someone like Renee, but she could at least try her best.

—

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

Natalie exhaled a long, trembling breath. She kept her head down, trying to count her footsteps as she walked back to their living quarters. Every time her vision grew blurry, she lost track and had to start over again. She needed to hold it together for only a while longer—legends don't cry. At least, not in front of others.

An engineer of all people should know to double-check their jump packs. Stupid. Someone who grew up in King's Canyon should know those distances like the back of their hand. Idiot. A professional should know not to panic under pressure; to not grab out  blindly for someone to cling on to. Useless.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Natalie  was tired . Tired of failing, of being the constant weak link. Tired of the pressure, fearing for her position and the only life she'd known. Tired of coming home to an empty apartment, father gone and friends... not quite friends— just same faces she saw day in and day out, guarded and distant. One of the few that had stuck up for her, that had put everything on the line for her when she  was hurt ? Not for her, not for the woman, only the results she could provide; reduced to a number and a variable.

The other?

No. Poking an open wound would only break her now, on the streets of Solace City.

One. Two. Three. Each step was harder. The minutes refused to go by. Engines roared down the block—this oppressive city was too damn loud and blinding, even at night. One. Two. Part of her wanted to run, to drop everything. Her father used to take her to a small vacation home along the cliffs. Being alone on the quiet misty shores was better than being alone among millions.

Natalie folded her arms around herself, tight. One.

The engine in the distance grew louder. The noise blared and screamed, abrasive on her soul like sandpaper. She bit her lip and waited for it to pass by.

It slowed, the cylinders whining. Loose stones crunched under tires. Leather creaked. Natalie willed herself to stop and turn.

"Hey, Nat. I wanted to... oh." Renee had her helmet in her arms, one foot keeping her idle motorcycle steady. Neon LEDs fell mute on its black, matte exterior. She pursed her lips as she saw Natalie's face. 

She turned the bike off. Renee flipped the kickstand down and swung a leg over, standing in front of her squad mate. She didn't move beyond that, three feet of pavement between them. Her careful gaze traced puffy eyes and wet cheeks. 

Natalie could always feel the roar of Solace City and its crush of bright signage. Now, withering under that pale blue stare, the seconds passing by ground her down.

Zero. Standing still, there was no inertia to keep her together. Droplets fell on the sidewalk.

"Come on." Her voice was softer than expected. Renee's eyes flicked towards her motorcycle. "Let's get you out of here."

Natalie  weakly tried to wipe her face. "I... I do not want..." She sniffed. Her voice eked out between trembles. "You- you should be angry."

"I'm not." Renee held out her helmet with one hand. "Here—it'll make things quieter." She stepped forward, her other hand  gently finding Natalie's. 

"I'll take you somewhere safe. Trust me."

—

The tint of the helmet's visor hushed the passing lights. The padding around her ears subdued the city, the engine, the wind—all to an even blanket of noise.  She focused on what she could feel: the steady rise and fall of Renee's back, the muscles working in her shoulders, the dip and return of balance around corners . 

The tears blurred the outside world, the signs that could say where Renee was taking her. She could feel it all the same. They were moving fast on the open highway, the city falling away behind them like sand in the wind.

Natalie folded her arms, tight, and hoped the sobs would quiet before the bike did.

—

As the pavement gave way to gravel, Renee pulled on the brake. The headlight shone alone through the dark. The whirring of the engine lulled, easing into a rumble as it crested the last part of the climb. At the summit, they stopped.

"Nat," she muttered  softly , turning her head. Those arms were still wrapped taut around her. "We're here."

The woman behind her shifted, rousing herself  slowly . She'd been trembling the whole ride over. Natalie pulled away, silent under the helmet, unlocking her hands last.

Renee kicked the stand down, turning the bike off and let the world go dim. She got off, stretched out her stiff legs, and waited. Two boots crunched the dirt beside her.

"Come on."

She led her across the landing, off the broken road.  Silently , they made the short trek, through where the trees parted. Dirt and stone gave way to grass, calf-high and untamed. Renee knew the route by heart, to the clearing  just before the cliffs fell away.

Solace City lingered, far below on the horizon.

"Right here." Renee sat down, letting her eyes drift off into the distance, letting a long breath escape. Hers was the only one. She looked over, to find Natalie sitting beside her, the helmet still on. "It's easier to see with that off."

The engineer shrugged. A muted sniffle was her only response.

"Nat..." Renee frowned. She debilitated for a moment, her fingers uncertain at her sides. Then, with a slow inhale, she reached over. Delicate hands found the helmet's sides and pulled it off.

She was a mess. Natalie's short hair  was frazzled , damp and stuck along one side of her face.  Her eyes  were held shut, new tears still leaking from the corners,  eventually falling away along her jaw  . She kept her lips sealed, breathing harsh and uneven through her nose. Worst of all, she made the saddest little noises, trembling like the grass below.

"Hey..." Renee started, too shocked and lost to find any other words.

"S- sorry. I...  I think I ruined your-" Natalie heaved for air, "your helmet."

Renee put it down, not bothering to look. "I don't care." She shifted, opening up to face her. She had no clue what to do, but she had to try _something_."What... what's wrong?"

Natalie tried to shrug again, her hands flailing  uselessly in the air. She blinked her eyes open, cast down and bloodshot. "Everything. Nothing... I don't know." She hugged herself, balling up as tiny as her voice. "Why aren't you mad at me? I... I ruined everything." 

"You didn't." Those words jumped out before Renee could think it over.  Just watching her was painful, pulling at her heart in ways she never remembered. "I'm not angry, I promise. Nights like tonight... happen. It's okay."

No response. Natalie sat on her knees in the grass, staring at the ground. 

"Nat... it's okay." The words were falling away from her now. "Tell me what's wrong. I... I'm here for you."

The engineer slammed her eyes shut again, a new wave of sobs wracking her body. She tried to hold them in, breathing harsh and heavy, balling her fists up in one last attempt. Seconds passed as she fought for control, her brow furrowed. The pained little noises couldn't stop—freezing them both in time and space. Then a shallow, choked cry broke free, and the dam fell apart. Slumping to one side, she tipped over and fell.

Renee wrapped her up, pulling her close before she could second-guess herself. She wasn't sure what to do, so she kept her arms around her as Natalie's pain spilled over.

"I got you," she whispered. "It's... it's going to be okay." Her hands started to smooth out her hair, tucking it behind her ears. Even after it was as neat as she could bother to make it, she still continued the motion. It stayed slow and rhythmic for as long as Natalie needed.

Natalie shook her head against her shoulder. "I... Who-" she choked out another sob. Her words eked out between breaths. "I don't know who- who cares anymore. Doctor Nox, Tae Joon, Loba... What do they want? It- it feels like there's nobody." She clung tighter. "I feel so... alone sometimes."

Renee inhaled  sharply , staring off into the sky. She could feel herself start to slip at the seams. "You're not... you're not alone, Nat. If- if nothing else, I'm here." With those thoughts out in the open, she looked back to Natalie. She slid her hand down,  softly running her fingers over her cheek. "I'm here. As long as you need me."

There was a pause,  just ragged breathing filling the night air. It was torture, not being able to do more, to only wait and witness the anguish. No matter how tight she held her close, Natalie kept shaking, trembling in her arms. She kept tracing her fingers, up and down,  slowly along the curve of her face. Her legs were starting to go numb, but she dared not move.

The sobs grew quieter, the breaths longer and steadier as time drew on. Renee waited.  Somewhere deep within, it felt odd having someone linger in her own space—she crushed it down  ruthlessly . Any help she could give was worth the discomfort.

Natalie drew still. Her hands eased in their grip. She sniffed, then exhaled and stirred. Her head tilted up. "Th- thank you." She looked exhausted, spent to the core. "I... I'm so sorry you had to-"

"Don't." Finally Renee let herself move, shifting her arms so it was more comfortable. "Are you feeling any better?"

A tiny nod.

"Good." She couldn't draw her eyes away, not from one who clung so  dearly to her. "Find me if you feel like that again, all right?" 

Another nod. Then Natalie glanced around, seeming to remember herself. She started to shuffle about, backing away. "S-sorry! I can sit up on my own."

"Do you want to?"

Renee couldn't take those words back, laced with sudden desperation. She tried to ignore the embarrassed chills in her chest. "I don't mind, I mean. If it helps."

Natalie froze, looking at her  curiously . The analysis was running bright behind her eyes—good, at least something was back to normal. "I... guess not." She settled in again, one arm around Renee's back as she rested in the crook of her shoulder. Her gaze remained tilted up at her, softening as they both met. "Thank you, Renee. I was... very afraid I had lost everyone tonight."

"Well, you didn't." She pried her eyes away from her, instead staring out into the distance. The galaxy of lights still waited, a low wash of noise finding their ears. It was  just a segment of the horizon, a lone beacon as the rest of the world faded to dark.

"I come here when I get too stressed in the ring. Helps remind me how small those problems are, if I can drive away for half an hour and make millions of people look tiny." She looked back. "I'm not saying its the same, but... I thought it might help."

"My papa would do the same with me. When work became too much, we would go together to this little house on the ocean. You could stare out in any direction and see nobody." Natalie gave a wistful smile. "It was quiet there—I liked that."

Renee tried a small smile back. "Yeah, that sounds nice."

"This is nice, too."

"Oh. Thanks." Renee paused.  She could tell Natalie was recovering, but she wasn't sure she believed everything she'd told her . She had to. The scout's words started slow and delicate: "Please don't beat yourself up. Mistakes in the ring happen."

"I would not call what happened tonight a mistake." Natalie sighed. "More like a disaster."

"Call it whatever you want. It won't change anything." Renee looked away, her neck growing warm. Still, she felt the words had to  be said . "If you pulled me off the edge a hundred times... I still wouldn't give up on you. Okay?"

Natalie stopped. Her eyes  were locked on Renee. Heartbeats passed, her mouth hanging open, deep in thought. Then she pulled herself up higher and kissed her on the cheek. Her lips lingered for a moment, too long to be chaste.  Saying nothing more, she sunk back into her embrace, watching the faraway lights of Solace City .

Renee leaned over and kissed the top of her head. Her thumb began brushing her cheek once again.

Natalie sighed. She reached up and took her hand, instead threading their fingers together. They stayed on the cliffs for a while,  just the two of them, alone among distant millions.

**Author's Note:**

> I guess I'm posting updates to [my twitter](https://twitter.com/cozysoak) now?


End file.
